Talk to You – Ricky Montgomery
Specifically the accoustic version, the regular version is fine too but I love the accoustic version so much more…
It reminds me of a very specific time in my life, a really weird time in my life. And I feel like this song just perfectly describes what I was feeling at that time and even now… It’s… I wanna say… slightly unsettling how accurate it is? But I don’t know… It’s kinda beautiful? Nah idk that was kinda cheesy…
Now If I had the courage, I wouldn’t be posting this to a blog that no one ever reads. But I don’t… have the courage…
Been a pretty long time
Been a pretty long time
Since you saw me last
Since I saw you last
Wonder if we met today
Would it all end up the same?
Would you take me for a ride?
Would you toss me to the side?
It has been many years since we’ve met face to face, and considering the whole pandemic thing I think it was probably even longer since we had a conversation together. I wonder if we were to meet again one day, will we be able to reconnect again and be more than just “online” friends? Or would you not like that? Would you think I’m gross?
I guess I’m supposed to be a man, but I’m not really manly (not really feminine either). I struggle to do the things people would expect a man to be able to do, and what woman would want that? I’m just a mess, I don’t really know how to dress well or make myself look good in general, I don’t think anyone would really find me attractive in any way…
Even if one day we meet again, whatever it was the circumstance, would I have the courage to approach you and strike up a conversation? Or will I just walk away again and let the opportunity slip like I did all those years ago?
I wish I could talk to you
Pull my chair right up there next to you
And talk to you
Oh, baby (What? No)
I wish I could talk to you
Pull my chair right up there next to you
And talk to you
That time was such a weird time in my life. I try to look back at that time, and even just months before this specific time frame I’m thinking about, I was not thinking about dating or romance, or anything of the sort (at least as far as I can remember). The only thing I can recall was that in early Senior Highschool I thought about how I really should be thinking about finding a girlfriend, or really even thinking about girls or whatever. I feel like before that time, I didn’t really care at all about relationships, and I guess that was still the case even in Senior Highschool…
And then there was you. I’m honestly still not sure why I gravitated so much towards you. But I remember putting actual effort in trying to be able to sit near you so I can talk to you. But I’m wayyy too much of an awkward kid (still am) to just pull up on a chair next to you just so I can talk with you…
So I just sat there, hoping it would continue to happen, and nudging every little opportunity to get closer to you so we could talk more… That’s all I wanted, I wanted to sit near you and talk about stuff. I don’t even remember what we talked about. Did we even share much interests?
And during what I think was the last time we met, the graduation photoshoot, I just couldn’t stop thinking about you. When we got teased by our friends about something that day, I felt like I was going to explode (I think it was about how you were posting these sequential numbers to your WhatsApp Status, and the final countdown was going to be on my birthday for some reason? I dunno if it was purely a coincidence or if you meant anything more to that? Either way, I just chalked it up to a coincidence since that sounds more likely and I didn’t want to give more fuel to my false hope). I was so happy that I got pictures in the same group as you…
You’re in my head more often than I want
More often than I wanna tell you
You’re in my head more often than I want
More often than I want
Time to circle back to today, or just the past… what? 5? 6? years?
Some time after I started University, I finally realized something. The feeling I had back during Senior Highschool and especially during that photoshoot day was a textbook case of “having a crush on someone”… It was an insane realization to have, never once before that I thought about having a crush on someone, let alone realizing and admitting (even just to myself) that I have a crush.
Ever since then I have not managed to get you off my mind. At the best of times maybe you’re just a passing thought at the back of my mind. But a lot of the time you’re right there in my mind, reminding me of my biggest mistake, my mistake of not even trying.
It was to the point where I actually messaged you to say that I liked you… Where I then proceed to not know what to do and it just made things awkward (at least for me, idk how it affected you if at all). Honestly I could not figure out why I even did that? Was I just expecting an “OMG I liked you too?” and just suddenly form a romantic relationship? Just what the hell was I thinking back then? I moved closer to my uni so I wasn’t even in Lembang most of the time back then, and I didn’t know how to drive any sort of vehicles so even if it did happen I wouldn’t be able to like take you anywhere…
So then I stopped messaging you for a while, but that didn’t mean you ever left my mind. In fact it probably got worse, since that was probably one of the times where loneliness hit me the hardest. (That loneliness was probably a big factor in my dumb decision to awkwardly tell you that I liked you over chat…)
But then for some reason I started talking with you again. Talked about random things again, I guess maybe I’d like to think that was not far off the same stuff we were talking back in class? I dunno… We also now have a Duolingo Friend Streak that has been going on for over 500 days? I guess thats something…
Now all those love songs make sense to me. Love really does make you delusional and think irrationally. But this isn’t even love, it’s just… i dont even know, my mind is broken and it is all your fault.
In the end, it has been years since we met. I probably have completely forgotten who you actually were, memories overwritten by overly romanticized versions of who I imagined you were based on fictional love stories written by other lonely people. I’m afraid of it affecting my expectations and end up hurting myself and most importantly you.
And one last thing I want to add: My memory is just horrible in general, it’s just this extremely fuzzy thing and I can only barely recall a few things from this time of my life. Maybe this is all completely made up by my imagination, maybe watching a few too many romance series has made me overanalyze and over romanticize this period of my life. But regardless, you still live in my mind rent free anyways, all day… Everyday…
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